Butch and Femme- The Habit of Roles
We are telling a story about a couple who had set roles and one day tried to change them. They did not expect happened next.
Excerpts from Lesbian Marriage: A Love and Sex Forever Kit…
We decided to do something daring: to meet with two other lesbian couples and talk about intimacy in our relationships. Ask a few questions. Do you still have sex? Are both of you satisfied with your sex life? What are you missing, if anything?
At first, everyone was giggling. One rose up to make coffee, another was checking her email. Another one was going to the bathroom a lot. It took a couple of meetings to get going and overcome the shyness we all shared.
We found out that our six-some had no problem with the O-Word. A challenge, however, for most of us was the question of roles. Each couple had stories about roles. How butch and femme, and active and passive role divisions were “encrusted” and tricky to change, no matter how much we’d like them to be different. Who initiates and who doesn’t, who makes love to whom and does it well
What if we tend to confuse what we mean by equality? Is it really tit for tat? I stroke your head 20 times and you nibble at my arm 20 times? Do both partners have to perform the same way and play all the same roles to feel that things are fair? When and why does difference become trouble because it is thought of as inequality?