Lesbian Life Coaching and Conversation
WHY YOU’RE HERE
Allow us to set the scene and give you the inside scoop to how we, us, the book, and everything else came to be and fell into place.
Oh! Of course, the best part of the story involves YOU, so you definitely want to stick around for that as well and see all the topics we cover.
THE STARTING POINT
When we had just met in Paris and started living together in Berkeley, we also started editing each other’s work. We picked up a life of being writers together and making a living as writing coaches and therapists. In no specific order, women’s relationships, love and sex were of great interest to us, and still are, so we decided to make it known to the world.
If you can believe it, 28 years lie between the first book we co-authored, the novel Sex and Other Sacred Games, and our most recent collaboration, Lesbian Marriage: A Love & Sex Forever Kit. The inspiration for this book was that we felt that in our long relationship we’d seen it all (from the shocking to the awe-inspiring) – and we had a lot to say to other lesbians in long-term relationships, couples who plan to marry or are already married, and carry in their hearts the high hopes that their love, romance and passion will last.
FIRST THINGS FIRST- OUR APPROACH
So, you’re wondering how we can help and what makes it all worth your while. Let us give you a quick flash into what we do!
Our approach to lesbian relationships is unique. Often, you find that although you are told the same thing by everyone, it really doesn’t seem to be working, so you find yourself stepping slowly out of your comfort zone and skinning the cat another way (no pun intended). For us, we noticed things we hadn’t been taught to hear. Women in relationships with women have a continually evolving emotional and sexual make-up. We are lesbian, gay, queer, butch, dyke, transitioning, questioning, non-gendered, non-conforming and not labeled at all.
But let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of what you may encounter with us.
1.HOW CLOSE IS TOO CLOSE?
Ok, ok, you’ve heard more than once that “couples start to resemble each other.” As much as we laugh over sharing shoes and sweaters and choose similar hairstyles – at times, we “merge” in an attempt to avoid conflict and discomfort. A wish to be just like our partner in values, attitudes, preferences doesn’t necessarily have to trickle into losing oneself. (See, here’s where YOU come in!). You can be very close and alike and still pursue your own growth and independent development. We discuss concrete ways this can be done.
2. NEVER SAY NEVER!
Picture this: It’s the middle of a heated argument. You feel a great injustice or betrayal has taken place and you utter it vehemently, “This is UNFORGIVABLE!” But, is unforgivable really the last word? After the apologies have been made and the depth of the wound has been acknowledged? Could it be that this so-called “unforgivable” is simply a forgivable waiting for understanding? There is a form of grief that occurs between lesbians, when the integrity of the self seems to have been shattered by the woman one has trusted to sustain it.
3. MY WORST ENEMY IS SOMETIMES…WELL, ME.
Be honest, we all do it – repeat the same negativity over and over until we hardly recognize that it becomes an insistent internal muttering of hostile self-attitudes. More terrible still, we tend to accept the authority of these voices even when they run counter to our consciously held beliefs. At their worst, these attacks are rife with a vicious but disguised homophobia. Fear not (no pun intended again!), we have developed exercises to help women become aware of, confront, disagree with and counter these attacks. Better yet – lesbian couples can work together and help one another.
4. NO COFFINS ARE NECESSARY!
Come on, really? Lesbian? Death? We all know, if we are willing to admit, that long-term relationships experience a sexual cooling off. There exists a horrible stigma that this “lesbian bed death” is the beginning of the end. You’ll discover why this doesn’t happen in lesbian relationships any more than anywhere else. Two women together have a great opportunity to practice another kind of sexuality because sex changes over time. It’s a question of learning a new way to go about it.
5. HAND CRAMPS, TIRED MOUTHS, ACHING THIGHS
This dilemma carries a clue to what we can teach lesbians about sex. It has a lot to do with focusing on sensual pleasure and asking why, if a couple is enjoying themselves, they would imagine that things are going too slowly? What’s the hidden agenda in this feeling that they should hurry up and get somewhere? Are they thinking hetero-sex without realizing it? Women making love are entering a whole new continent ready for exploration. It helps to have a guide (and we are it!).
6. TYING THE KNOT – TOO LOOSE, TOO TIGHT, OR JUST RIGHT?
The possibility of getting legally married has allowed many lesbian couples to discuss marriage for the first time. Very often, this question creates an acute sense of crisis, as attitudes towards marriage are suddenly made visible and are not shared. There is a need for a searching discussion of what marriage as a new institution might mean to lesbians, who can expand, or even obliterate, conventional notions of marriage before they decide if they want to take the step. What does marriage truly mean?
7. SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?
It’s true- we will help you work through issues and reconcile. But, we’re not oblivious to the fact that well, sometimes- it’s time to let go and unglue from one another. Lesbians are known to stay on because they dread hurting their partner or fear the disruption a separation would cause. How do you distinguish what type of work is needed: reconciliation or separation? Are there clues that tell you what is really going on? It is dangerous to neglect the need for one type of exploration by concentrating exclusively on the other.
8. THE GLOVES ARE OFF!
We’ll keep this one short and yes, a little mysterious.
Fighting can be fair and unearth hidden emotions; fighting doesn’t have to end it all.
A lesbian relationship offers wonderful opportunities for this learning if the couple has guidance, with rules and tools that are appropriate for women and especially for women living together.
YOUR NEXT STEP
Let’s talk it out!
You can come for a session:
-With each of us individually or with both of us together.
Get to know us and read more about our work on our individual websites: