Chapter3Lesbian Marriage: A Love & Sex Forever Kit

We talk about our changing attitudes towards lesbian marriage, our past marriages and the way we feel the power of the historical moment in which gay marriage is becoming legal. As a teenager Kim wanted to be someone’s mistress and Renate was designing wedding dresses for herself.

Excerpts from Lesbian Marriage: A Love and Sex Forever Kit…

KIM: I never wanted to get married. Not ever, even when I was a small girl. I’ve been married twice to partners I loved and I thought I would live with for the rest of my life, but the marriages were purely pragmatic. The first time, at eighteen and twenty-one, we wanted to go to Europe; we asked our relatives to give us money instead of presents if we got married. The relatives were encouraging; we got married and took off for four years in Europe. The second time, much later, when I was in my thirties, the issue was still financial; it was taxes this time, and we agreed we would not tell any of our friends we’d gone to Mexico to get married. We preferred our bohemian life-style and did not want to be seen as caving in to a bourgeois institution. Two marriages, two divorces, and I still never wanted to get married…

RENATE: I, too, got married very young and experienced a complete failure. Especially sexually. The romantic pressure of succeeding in marriage turned everything into a performance: fake orgasms were the rule of the day. After coming out in my early twenties, I had several committed long-term relationships that were very much like marriages. I loved my partner, did my best, but after the honeymoon phase sex became problematic and slowly disappeared. I concluded that any relationship that was like a marriage was sexually doomed. Marriage was best avoided. I didn’t know yet that the problem was miscommunication between me and my lovers, that some of the discontent might have been worked out in truthful conversation. 


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