Grudges

Lesbian Relationships Problems

Q: Do grudges matter?
A: Yes, they do. A lot. They poison the atmosphere, they come out at the wrong time in the wrong voice, often in front of other people and with too much steam. And they don’t make anybody want to make love.

Q: What’s the benefit of airing out grudges?
A: If you do it fairly, equally, when you are not riled by them, it’s like taking a fresh breath of the greenest air. You may laugh or cry but you see your lover as the fallible, lovable human being she is. Tenderness re-awakens, next you’re in bed.

Q: How do you give up a grudge?
A: We’ve learned to give them a humorous label, for instance: Clothes Alarm, Rags Alarm, that’s when one of us, and you know who, its always the same person who leaves her clothes on the floor. What a difference to having to say a million times: “You left your clothes on the floor again,” with the tone of a bossy mother.

Q: How to prevent grudges?
A: When we began recognizing the patterns between us it made us laugh. So: recognize the patterns of the grudge. You always / I never is the most common pattern. Make a list of your major, favorite grudges, put them on the fridge. Every so often, when you’re getting something to eat, recite a few of them out loud. Smile.