Sex and Lesbian Bed Death

Q: What does lesbian bed death mean?
A: Bed-death is a term coined by a comedian Kate Clinton. It was a humorous crack about the fact that sexual-passion in long-term relationships tends to fade and die. Being a lesbian, Kate made the joke to a lesbian audience. Everybody laughed, knowing only too well that this had nothing to do with lesbians but with human sexuality on the whole. The fading of sexual passion in long-term relationships is universal and equally distributed among gender orientations. Lesbians were the only group of people able to laugh about it.

Q: (A question from a reader)…I have entered menopause and I noticed the strength and intensity of my orgasms have diminished significantly over the past few years. I (also) wonder if the libido issue is part of the marriage.
A: We sympathize with your question and the problem.  Having gone through it ourselves, and talked with many women about menopause, two things to check out: trying to get help with testosterone cream, which for some women is super-effective, and asking your doctor to prescribe a sub-clinical dose of an anti-depressant.  This has worked like a charm for Renate.  But supposing it doesn’t work, and what we’re facing is the gently aging body.  What then?  Throughout our book we are talking about redefining and refining sexuality, especially in Chapter 5, “The Ravenous Beast: Sex After Menopause?” And in Chapter 7, “The Genital Corset,” and in Chapter 8, about “Hot Burn/Slow Burn”.  We discuss ways to leave behind the addictive, young-love-sexual passion, a fire that burns so hot it has to burn out, and to cultivate instead what we call an “equal-opportunity body,” in which every part of the body becomes as exciting and fulfilling as genital satisfaction. We have been teaching women how do achieve this: you can make an appointment with us to learn more.

You mention that your orgasms are so weak you don’t recognize yourself.  We say, rediscover and re-invent yourself.  Cultivate gratitude for what your body grants you and don’t look back; cultivate its capacity for sensual pleasure and intensity, heighten it, concentrate on it, allow it to develop a vocabulary of its own with the help of fantasies, roles, vibrators, toys, you name it.  Remember, the hottest sex organ is the heart and the brain.